Warning: Brutal Truth Within

Well, it happened.

This week I met that moment when I had no desire to go to yet another doctor appointment or do yet another exercise for my eyes, memory, focus or anything else that resembles this present trial.

The struggle is real folks. I am being real here. Feel free to stop reading now if you do not want the brutal truth.

I try not to complain but here it is. It is hard to be raw and vulnerable like I am being in this post. Tonight's post is hard for me to write so please be gracious with my rambling and the truth.;)

As much as I enjoyed not having to risk my life getting to work on a snowy Minnesota morning or deal with slippery roads. I miss what I had even eighteen months ago. Well, not so much the yucky roads or dealing with the traffic, but more so the strength, purpose, energy and a life without doctor appointments and therapy exercises. I miss who I was.

I also struggle with being content and at peace with this chapter in the story of my life. I struggle with not having a plan, a job, purpose, income, energy. I am frustrated with the daily headaches, the low back and neck pain that is constant and nearly unrelenting. I desire normalcy and relief.

Tonight I was unable to help with a ministry that is near to my heart because of a headache that gave me no reprieve all day. This type of thing has happened more often than not since the accident. The accident changed many things for me and because of that I grieve just as anyone does when they are met with a loss or change in life that is unwelcomed.

I am often reminded of how things are different for me and of me. Truth the core essence of who I am has not been changed.

I am still a sinner saved by grace alone.

I am still a daughter, sister, auntie and friend to many.

I am still walking, breathing, eating on my own.

I still desire to serve and honor God, to have a deep and lovely relationship with Him.

I am alive. 

Loved by family.

Other things in my life have changed.

My love for reading and studying have changed. I do not remember or fully understand things I read or hear like sermons, bible study or reading for fun and enrichment. I desire it but get frustrated when I cannot recall what I have read or heard. I miss the richness and closeness one experiences when reading and grasping what they are rwading.

My love for ministry, volunteering and spending time with family and friends is still deep within but has been a struggle to do so because of the symptoms that worsen from the energy and over stimulation that occurs when I spend time doing these things.

I write these things in part to relay my struggle to the person who is reading this and facing a similar situation but also so I can process what has happened and the journey I am on and look back at this moment when I need to remember (literally! ). This journey is not easy to travel but one that I am being asked by God to do faithfully.

Now, I know that last sentence may not make sense to everyone who reads it. To be honest I struggle to understand it on a daily basis, much less live it.

You see, friends, we are called, as a follower of Christ, to walk the life we are given by faith. To trust when we don't understand.  To rest when we are weary. To call on The Great Physician when we hurt physically. To trust in Jehovah Jirah- The One Who Provides when we are in need.

Like I said I am writing this to remember and to remind myself of where I was and how far I am progressing in the future. Of what I need to do every moment of the day.

I will continue to persevere in my therapies.

I will choose to live in truth and the core of who I am.

I will continue to trust and call out to God  when I am hurting and struggling but also when I am having a good day.

I will live a thankful heart in this journey. 

I will accept the "newer" part of me and not be discouraged.

I will not compare what I used to be able to do with my current abilities.

I will be reasonable  with my expectations of myself.

I will have patience with myself and my journey.

I will be a stronger and better person because of this.

I won't let my present trial drag me down.

There you have it. Truth and struggle. Along with promises and a personal mission statement of how I am walking my journey.

Thank you for making it this far with me and allowing me to share with you in what is most likely a disjointed and rambling post.

To be honest I am more than exhausted in trying to write this throughout the sum of two days and I do not have the comprehension or focus to be able to fully and properly articulate all of my thoughts perfectly so there you have it, a English and Grammer teacher's nightmare but my life as I know it (currently!) :)

Milestone

Friends, will you rejoice with me? Today I  hit a big (well big to me) milestone of being released from active Physical Therapy care after 5 months of treatment! This means that I will have maintenance care to not lose all that I have attained but can most of it on my own at the clinic.

It's been a difficult road in so many ways for over a year now and it was encouraging to hit this milestone rather than another roadblock. In fact, I have had a few breakthroughs in my other therapies in the last two weeks which has also been exciting for me and my team of doctors and therapists!

I have many miles to go and I know from experience it won't be easy. I will have continued care and have many decisions concerning my future as I do not have a job to go to when I am ready so I will have to find something new. I am praying about options and when it's time I will explore them.

I am thankful for God's provision, strength, comfort and the blessing of family and friends and tonight I give Him praise!

What A Traumatic Brain Injury Means For Me

Hello All!

I really have been MIA! I am sorry! Due to a brain injury last fall I have been limited in my ability to write and be online. Last week one of my therapists gave me a sheet that explained in concise ways what I have wanted to express to my friends and family but have trouble putting it in a way that may be easy to understand. It has taken me many hours to type this out(I am limited on screen and reading time due to my headaches and symptoms) but I hope this makes sense and helps you understand me and anyone else you may know who has a Traumatic Brain Injury(TBI). If you have any questions I would love to answer them!

*I need a lot more rest than I used to. I'm not being lazy. I get physical fatigue as well as a "brain fatigue". It is very difficult and tiring for my brain to think, process and organize. Fatigue makes it even harder to think.

*My stmaina fluctuates, even though I may look good or "all better" on the outside. Cogniton is a fragile function for a brain injury survivor. Some days are better than others. Puching too hard usually leads to setbacks, sometimes to illness.

*I am not being difficult if I resist social situations. crowds, confusion adn loud sounds quickly overload my brain, it doesn't filter sounds as wells as it used to. Limiting my exposure is a coping strategy.
*If there is more than one person talking, I may seem uninterested in the conversation. That is because I have trouble following all the different "lines" of discussion. It is exhausting to keep trying to piece it all together. I am not dumb or rude; my brain is getting overloaded!

*If we are talking and I tell you that I need to stop, I need to stop NOW! And it is not because I am avoiding the subject, it's just that I need time to process our discussion and "take a break" from all of the thinking. Later I will be able to rejoin the conversation and really be present for the subject and for you.

*Patience is the best gift you can give me. It allows me to work deliberately and at my own pace, allowing me to rebuild pathways in my brain. Rushing and multi-tasking inhibits cognition.

*Please listen to me with patience. try not to interrupt. Allow me to find my words and follow my thoughts. It will help me to rebuild my language skills.

--Other processing slows me down.

*Please have patience with my memory. Know that not remembering does not mean that I don't care.

*If I seem "rigid", needing to do tasks the same way all the time; it is because I am retraining my brain. It's like learning main roads before you can learn the shortcuts. Repeating tasks in the same sequence is a rehabilitation strategy.

*If I seem "stuck" , my brain be stuck in the processing of information. Coaching me, suggesting other options or asking what you can do to help may help me figure it out. Taking over and doing it for me will not be constructive and it will make me feel inadequate. (It may also be an indication that i need to take a break.)

*You may not be able to help me do something if helping requires me to frequently interrupt what I am doing to give you directives. I work best on my own, one step at a time and at my own pace.

*If I repeat actions, like checking to see if the doors are locked or the stove is turned off, it may seem like I have OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder but I may not. It may be that I am having trouble registering what I am doing in my brain. Repetitions enhance memory. (It can also be a cue that I need to stop and rest.)

*If I seem sensitive, it could be emotional lability as a result of the injury or it may be a reflection of the extraordinary effort it takes to do things now. Tasks that used to feel "automatic" and take minimal effort, now take much longer, require the implementation of numerous stratgeies and are huge accomplishments for me.

--My brain is sending me extra "loud" signals of "danger(however unrealistic)" and reacts by making me "shut down" or becoming weepy. This is frustrating(and embarrassing) for me.

*I am doing the best I can. Thank you for the encouragement, support and prayers, they mean so much to me!

*Don't confuse Hope for Denial. I am learning more and more about the amazing brain and there are remarkable stories about healing in the news every day. No one can know for certain what my potential is. I need Hope to be able to employ the many, many coping mechanisms, accommodations and strategies needed to navigate our new lives. Many things in my life is difficult for me each day. It would be easy to give up without Hope.

--I don't know if I will have a complete recovery. I do not know what I wil or will not regain. the future is largely uncertain. Please pray for me. This is a hope thing. A faith thing. A trust thing. A prayer thing. I won't know more until at least December when I am reevaluated and it is determined if I am ready to start looking for work, what type of work and whether it will be part or full time or if I will pursue school instead.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and hopefully it made sense! ;)

Blessings my friends,

Rachael