Well, it happened.
This week I met that moment when I had no desire to go to yet another doctor appointment or do yet another exercise for my eyes, memory, focus or anything else that resembles this present trial.
The struggle is real folks. I am being real here. Feel free to stop reading now if you do not want the brutal truth.
I try not to complain but here it is. It is hard to be raw and vulnerable like I am being in this post. Tonight's post is hard for me to write so please be gracious with my rambling and the truth.;)
As much as I enjoyed not having to risk my life getting to work on a snowy Minnesota morning or deal with slippery roads. I miss what I had even eighteen months ago. Well, not so much the yucky roads or dealing with the traffic, but more so the strength, purpose, energy and a life without doctor appointments and therapy exercises. I miss who I was.
I also struggle with being content and at peace with this chapter in the story of my life. I struggle with not having a plan, a job, purpose, income, energy. I am frustrated with the daily headaches, the low back and neck pain that is constant and nearly unrelenting. I desire normalcy and relief.
Tonight I was unable to help with a ministry that is near to my heart because of a headache that gave me no reprieve all day. This type of thing has happened more often than not since the accident. The accident changed many things for me and because of that I grieve just as anyone does when they are met with a loss or change in life that is unwelcomed.
I am often reminded of how things are different for me and of me. Truth the core essence of who I am has not been changed.
I am still a sinner saved by grace alone.
I am still a daughter, sister, auntie and friend to many.
I am still walking, breathing, eating on my own.
I still desire to serve and honor God, to have a deep and lovely relationship with Him.
I am alive.
Loved by family.
Other things in my life have changed.
My love for reading and studying have changed. I do not remember or fully understand things I read or hear like sermons, bible study or reading for fun and enrichment. I desire it but get frustrated when I cannot recall what I have read or heard. I miss the richness and closeness one experiences when reading and grasping what they are rwading.
My love for ministry, volunteering and spending time with family and friends is still deep within but has been a struggle to do so because of the symptoms that worsen from the energy and over stimulation that occurs when I spend time doing these things.
I write these things in part to relay my struggle to the person who is reading this and facing a similar situation but also so I can process what has happened and the journey I am on and look back at this moment when I need to remember (literally! ). This journey is not easy to travel but one that I am being asked by God to do faithfully.
Now, I know that last sentence may not make sense to everyone who reads it. To be honest I struggle to understand it on a daily basis, much less live it.
You see, friends, we are called, as a follower of Christ, to walk the life we are given by faith. To trust when we don't understand. To rest when we are weary. To call on The Great Physician when we hurt physically. To trust in Jehovah Jirah- The One Who Provides when we are in need.
Like I said I am writing this to remember and to remind myself of where I was and how far I am progressing in the future. Of what I need to do every moment of the day.
I will continue to persevere in my therapies.
I will choose to live in truth and the core of who I am.
I will continue to trust and call out to God when I am hurting and struggling but also when I am having a good day.
I will live a thankful heart in this journey.
I will accept the "newer" part of me and not be discouraged.
I will not compare what I used to be able to do with my current abilities.
I will be reasonable with my expectations of myself.
I will have patience with myself and my journey.
I will be a stronger and better person because of this.
I won't let my present trial drag me down.
There you have it. Truth and struggle. Along with promises and a personal mission statement of how I am walking my journey.
Thank you for making it this far with me and allowing me to share with you in what is most likely a disjointed and rambling post.
To be honest I am more than exhausted in trying to write this throughout the sum of two days and I do not have the comprehension or focus to be able to fully and properly articulate all of my thoughts perfectly so there you have it, a English and Grammer teacher's nightmare but my life as I know it (currently!) :)