Well, today was the end of one chapter in my life and the beginning of a the next, as I mentioned in yesterdays post. Thank you, dear friends, for your encouragement and prayers they mean so much to me. It was not an easy day, a little tear-filled on my part but I felt the prayers! Thank you God for the chapters You have written in my life and Your Faithfulness through out each page.
My weekend in the new chapter in life will be filled with preparing for my new job and the missions trip that is fast approaching (8 days-yikes!). These preparations include scrub size shopping and manual reading for the job and creating a menu and making the food for a week at camp ahead of time because of my food allergies(ideas, anyone?). I am sure that at least one trip to a grocery store will be part of the day tomorrow along with a little swimming with my sisters and maybe even cheering on a few of my youth group girls and friends in the local Gus Macker basketball tournament, Fathers day and my niece's dedication celebration and a campfire and game night with friends after a trip meeting! Whew, a busy weekend already but a person needs to have some fun occasionally, right? :)
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Changes, Opportunities to Trust
Ahhh...after a LONG day of work I am sitting on my veranda listening to the relaxing symphony of crickets that God so beautifully orchestrated. This, with a backdrop of the river and Rib Mountain and the visits of a few fine feathered and forest creatures.
I have seriously craved this time for a couple of weeks but sadly my schedule and the weather have not allowed it until tonight. This gift of time and solitude is much needed after several months of situations beyond my control. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and am enjoying this small albeit precious time to enjoy the creation before me. It is especially special to me as I know my time at this apartment is drawing to a close and I will have to find a new place of solitude. So many changes and things going on in my life, namely one which happens tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last day at a job I have truly loved. I love the patients, the doctors and many of the people I work with and the other things the job entails but I recently had to make a very hard decision. Along with that decision was the chance to trust in God and His provision in my life. I see it more than a coincidence that as I realized that my financial state was not getting any better and that I have many unexpected medical bills coming along with the need to find a new place to live that I found out about a job that would provide better pay and medical benefits. Along with this job came a whole new territory and learning a whole new career, this time in the pediatric dental field. Crazy different from the chiropractic world, isn't it? I never thought I would be working in the dental field. Then again, I said the same thing about the chiropractic field just a few years ago!
With this change in careers I MUST trust that God has this all worked out for His glory and that I will love it as much as I have loved my old career, if not more! I am thankful that this new job will give me better hours each week (although I will miss my extra days off!) hopefully giving me more rest and less stress each day! I must also trust that He will instill in me a continued peace about this change. Honestly, there is a part of me that is really scared and nervous about this new job and the change. Maybe it is partly the stress of the last several months and all of the changes and things going on in the next couple of months or maybe it is simply and largely me not trusting Him and resting the peace of His promises. Please pray for me as I learn a new career, go on a missions trip with the teens of my church youth group as a leader/chaperon and as I continue to search for a affordable place to live and then move, all within the next five weeks!
Even through all of the seeming upheaval in my life I try to keep in mind that the circumstances I am in are all temporal and will all be over, eventually so I am thankful that God is faithful through all of the situations and seasons in life and that I have the privilege of trusting Him and knowing Him a little more because of the journey my life goes through. I pray that you, my friend, will be able to rest a little bit more in His arms through all of the bumps and curves of life and enjoy the chances to learn more of His faithfulness because a challenge in life with Him is so much more peaceful than it is without Him in your life.
Seek Him. Trust Him. Today.
I have seriously craved this time for a couple of weeks but sadly my schedule and the weather have not allowed it until tonight. This gift of time and solitude is much needed after several months of situations beyond my control. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and am enjoying this small albeit precious time to enjoy the creation before me. It is especially special to me as I know my time at this apartment is drawing to a close and I will have to find a new place of solitude. So many changes and things going on in my life, namely one which happens tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my last day at a job I have truly loved. I love the patients, the doctors and many of the people I work with and the other things the job entails but I recently had to make a very hard decision. Along with that decision was the chance to trust in God and His provision in my life. I see it more than a coincidence that as I realized that my financial state was not getting any better and that I have many unexpected medical bills coming along with the need to find a new place to live that I found out about a job that would provide better pay and medical benefits. Along with this job came a whole new territory and learning a whole new career, this time in the pediatric dental field. Crazy different from the chiropractic world, isn't it? I never thought I would be working in the dental field. Then again, I said the same thing about the chiropractic field just a few years ago!
With this change in careers I MUST trust that God has this all worked out for His glory and that I will love it as much as I have loved my old career, if not more! I am thankful that this new job will give me better hours each week (although I will miss my extra days off!) hopefully giving me more rest and less stress each day! I must also trust that He will instill in me a continued peace about this change. Honestly, there is a part of me that is really scared and nervous about this new job and the change. Maybe it is partly the stress of the last several months and all of the changes and things going on in the next couple of months or maybe it is simply and largely me not trusting Him and resting the peace of His promises. Please pray for me as I learn a new career, go on a missions trip with the teens of my church youth group as a leader/chaperon and as I continue to search for a affordable place to live and then move, all within the next five weeks!
Even through all of the seeming upheaval in my life I try to keep in mind that the circumstances I am in are all temporal and will all be over, eventually so I am thankful that God is faithful through all of the situations and seasons in life and that I have the privilege of trusting Him and knowing Him a little more because of the journey my life goes through. I pray that you, my friend, will be able to rest a little bit more in His arms through all of the bumps and curves of life and enjoy the chances to learn more of His faithfulness because a challenge in life with Him is so much more peaceful than it is without Him in your life.
Seek Him. Trust Him. Today.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Lifting my eyes in the midst of a valley while on a peak....
My life has been a mix of intense personal trial and joy all at the same time. tonight at church we sang a song that reflected so much of what I have been doing, or trying to do, which is lifting my eyes to my God at the foot of a mountain I cannot climb on my own, clinging to a healer and comforter, to God who knows me and my thoughts, feelings and my life. He does not and will not desert me despite my failings and experiances-Praise Him!
The strength that I draw to get through any trial or joy is by continually fixing my eyes on my Lord and Savior. I hope you enjoy and relate to the lyrics just as I did. My friends, remember as His beloved son or daughter we are held in the arms of the One who holds the world in the palm of his hand. May I encourage you to repose, to rest, in the promise of His love, His strength, power. Please don't go through life thinking that he doesn't want a relationship with you because He does. He wants for you and me to lift our eyes to Him and seek Him out, to shout to Him, not only in the midst of trial but also for daily life-the good and not so good as he is the Calmer of the storms of life.
P.S. I hope to be able to get the video of this song by Bebo Norman up soon also.
~~~~~~~~
I Will Lift My Eyes-Bebo Norman
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs you now.
The strength that I draw to get through any trial or joy is by continually fixing my eyes on my Lord and Savior. I hope you enjoy and relate to the lyrics just as I did. My friends, remember as His beloved son or daughter we are held in the arms of the One who holds the world in the palm of his hand. May I encourage you to repose, to rest, in the promise of His love, His strength, power. Please don't go through life thinking that he doesn't want a relationship with you because He does. He wants for you and me to lift our eyes to Him and seek Him out, to shout to Him, not only in the midst of trial but also for daily life-the good and not so good as he is the Calmer of the storms of life.
P.S. I hope to be able to get the video of this song by Bebo Norman up soon also.
~~~~~~~~
I Will Lift My Eyes-Bebo Norman
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs You now
God, be near, calm my fear
And take my doubt
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let Mercy sing
Her melody over me
God, right here all I bring
Is all of me
Your kindness is what pulls me up
Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever
The Lover I need to save me
'Cause you fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God
So hold me now
I will lift my eyes to the Maker
Of the mountains I can't climb
I will lift my eyes to the Calmer
Of the oceans raging wild
I will lift my eyes to the Healer
Of the hurt I hold inside
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, I cry out
Your beloved needs you now.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
I'm Back !!!!
Hello Again Friends!
After a longtime with sporadic internet and computer use I am back online. I just received my new laptop in the mail and so far so good. Even better is that I will (hopefully) be able to blog more frequently as has been my desire for awhile.
I need to work on some Bible study prep right now but until I can write more I ask that you be in prayer for me right now. Looking at things in a human perspective, one would think that my life was falling apart, but in truth it is just as God wants it to be, as difficult as it is I know He has all things in control. I am thankful for His faithfulness, grace and unfailing love. Will you pray with me that I continue to lean on His strength and not my own, that I trust the outcome of the circumstances and not be anxious but put everything to prayer? Thank you.
After a longtime with sporadic internet and computer use I am back online. I just received my new laptop in the mail and so far so good. Even better is that I will (hopefully) be able to blog more frequently as has been my desire for awhile.
I need to work on some Bible study prep right now but until I can write more I ask that you be in prayer for me right now. Looking at things in a human perspective, one would think that my life was falling apart, but in truth it is just as God wants it to be, as difficult as it is I know He has all things in control. I am thankful for His faithfulness, grace and unfailing love. Will you pray with me that I continue to lean on His strength and not my own, that I trust the outcome of the circumstances and not be anxious but put everything to prayer? Thank you.
Friday, March 25, 2011
In Christ Alone
In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
These words have been on my this week. His power is all I can stand on because I certainly feel that I am on shifting sand. The power of Christ has been evident to me as I have read in Matthew the last couple of weeks. I am taking my time reading it, reflecting on the power that healed the lame, made the blind to see, raised the dead, showed us how to pray and live, read the minds of men and promise provision as seen in chapter 6;
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I have clung to these words because I worry. A LOT. Especially in the last 2 years. Okay. It's always been a struggle for me but I have worried even more lately, but I'm trying to let it go. Let it ALL go. I hear tell a worry free life is so much better than being in the pit of worry.
I have alot of decisions to make in the next few weeks, some that I have been praying and sontemplating about for many months and a few that I just found out that I need to figure out. What to do? What to do? I don't know. I wish I knew. It's a good thing that a All-Sufficient, All-Knowing, All-Powerful, All-Loving, All-Providing and i am truly thankful for that as I let my anxiousness go and seek Phillipians 5:6-7 6 as a daily prayer that I will experiance the peace that surpasses all understanding. May it be so. In Christ Alone, Only as He is my hope and strength.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.
In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.
No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.
These words have been on my this week. His power is all I can stand on because I certainly feel that I am on shifting sand. The power of Christ has been evident to me as I have read in Matthew the last couple of weeks. I am taking my time reading it, reflecting on the power that healed the lame, made the blind to see, raised the dead, showed us how to pray and live, read the minds of men and promise provision as seen in chapter 6;
“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I have clung to these words because I worry. A LOT. Especially in the last 2 years. Okay. It's always been a struggle for me but I have worried even more lately, but I'm trying to let it go. Let it ALL go. I hear tell a worry free life is so much better than being in the pit of worry.
I have alot of decisions to make in the next few weeks, some that I have been praying and sontemplating about for many months and a few that I just found out that I need to figure out. What to do? What to do? I don't know. I wish I knew. It's a good thing that a All-Sufficient, All-Knowing, All-Powerful, All-Loving, All-Providing and i am truly thankful for that as I let my anxiousness go and seek Phillipians 5:6-7 6 as a daily prayer that I will experiance the peace that surpasses all understanding. May it be so. In Christ Alone, Only as He is my hope and strength.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Phillipians 4:6-7
Saturday, November 20, 2010
IN THE NEWS!
Celiac Disease is in the news again! Check out this link!
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/celiac-disease-advantages-gluten-free-diet
http://www.doctoroz.com/videos/celiac-disease-advantages-gluten-free-diet
Monday, November 15, 2010
Time goes by
Warning: this is a bit long!
It's been awhile, a little over a month to be exact, since I have posted. Ironically, I think about posting often. I think of things that I want to write about, things that I need to talk about but I still struggle with allowing others read about them.
The last couple of months have not been easy for me in many ways. I have a new group of girls in youth group, the freshman. I am again reminded of the awkward time in my life as I seek to find myself and understand the changes within myself and the world around me. I am learning to listen to the Holy Spirit's leading in what and how to minster not only to my small group but also to the other girls as well. God has taught me many lessons on love, ministry, letting go of my desire for control and to focus on the most important things first (which may mean that my floor is not scrubbed every week, haha!) I am learning to sit and listen to God and not always be in a rush and wanting to check off the hundred things on my never ending to-do list!
Work has been really busy as there have been many changes going on there. I am thankful for the job. I am also thankful for the opportunities to learn more about health and nutrition and be challenged in what I do each day. Although the hours are still long and exhausting, starting January they will be split up a bit, so hopefully I will be more energetic with time to "recover" in between the long days!
I am still adjusting to the major life change of being gluten free and all that it requires and entails, which is not easy. I think that this "grieving" period began during or right after my missions trip to South America in July. Coming home with the realization that my desire to "do" missions, particularly overseas seemed to be falling through my fingers. I was seemingly feeling this for a variety of reasons, two in particular. Being gluten free in a third world country is more difficult than I ever thought it would be and I feel that I will never get my medical bills paid off. Baby step forward, giant leap back would be a phrase that feels appropriate for my life.
I say that I am "grieving" over being gluten free not because I want to feel sorry for myself or want others to feel bad for myself. I say it because I am still discovering how it has deeply affected my life and will always affect my life.
The panic that I experienced a few weeks ago after signing up to be a chaperon to a weekend youth event before I remembered what a hard time I had last year finding meals or a place to make a meal(ended up using the trunk of my car as a cooler-good thing that it was freezing out that weekend and that the hotel had a microwave!) I panicked over having to do the same again. I panicked over the fear of the weather not being cold enough to keep my food in the car, or that the hotel situation would not allow for easy access to a microwave(they are often used nonstop during this youth event) or that I would take up to much room in the van/hotel room with my food and cooler. I panicked over being a inconvenience to the group as a whole during meal time. I panicked about others feeling bad or awkward around me as they ate the "normal" food and I was not. I panicked at the thought of eating granola bars and bananas the whole weekend. I panicked about having to somehow coordinate a whole weekend of meals that would be easy, convenient and healthy that could also be quick and only needed a microwave to cook/warm up. For a moment I thought about recanting my commitment of ministering to the teens. Was I up for this food challenge once again? And, I am not even going to begin on my panic over the opportunity to go on a retreat this winter (of which I would love to go to and feel that I need to go on for a time of refreshing and renewal, but again.... the panic and stress of the whole situation)
When I returned from South America I emphatically thought to myself that I did not know if I could ever do the gluten free and ministry/travel thing again. While this thought was emphasized by exhaustion, the underlying feeling was the same as today.
I am exhausted from this whole gluten free thing. I am tired of having to explain it, plan ahead, work around it, miss out on amazing meals cooked with love and care, I am tired of the expense that it requires despite my daily attempts to cut the costs of food expense (there is no way around the cost of eating healthy when one does not have a garden).
The challenge of being gluten free has hit every aspect of my life. Friends, I am attempting to not complain, but simply express my thoughts here. I love food (pretty obvious!) and I LOVE cooking and eating with others. I enjoy eating out, maybe not as much as I used to, but I love the invitation to eat out even more than the food. I am a home-body by nature, I believe, but I have found myself become a recluse lately because of the challenges that I face in social settings. To borrow that term "I just want to be normal", I just want to be normal. But, even as I write this, I know that I am normal. I am the person God created me to be. I have this challenge to used of God. I do not want this thorn to affect my life as much as it has. I am frustrated and disappointed that it does affect my life as it does. Anyone gluten free reading this have any suggestions?
Despite the last several paragraphs of raw openness that is difficult for me to express I am still humbled my the knowledge that there are so many other more life threatening conditions, that people are daily fighting for their lives, that cannot enjoy the taste of food and must rely on machine and tubes to feed them. I am well aware of how blessed I am to be where I am today, that God brought the right doctors(and job!) into my life to give me the answers that I and my parents sought for so many years.I am thankful that despite my discouragement and frustration with my disease, God has opened up doors for me to encourage others with the same frustrations.
I know that as time goes by I will (hopefully) become more confident in traveling, larger events and social situations. In this new round of learning to be gluten free I am branching out and trying new recipes, accepting the difference in taste and texture and finding new foods that are healthy that I probably would not have tried otherwise. I am thankful for the friends and family who have accepted this change in my life, who have been supportive and understanding of this new journey I am on, for those who send me links to resources, recipes or articles of interest, I am encouraged and grateful to those who become my advocate in explaining to others my situation in new social settings(sometimes I do not have the energy or desire to do so myself) and to those who are not offended when I cannot eat what they have lovingly made for everyone. It means so much to me when you slip me a magazine article of recipes or make sure there is even one item on the menu which is "safe" for me. I appreciate when I do go out with you when you ask where I can eat.
Thank you, Lord for the people you have put in my path to encourage me and those that I can encourage. Please give me wisdom in how to navigate this new chapter in my life and how I can still best serve you in this and through this.
Okay, if you are still reading this, you are a marathon blog reader, congrats! I promise that my future posts will be more interesting and not as long (I guess this was a vent session, haha!) :)
Until next time!
It's been awhile, a little over a month to be exact, since I have posted. Ironically, I think about posting often. I think of things that I want to write about, things that I need to talk about but I still struggle with allowing others read about them.
The last couple of months have not been easy for me in many ways. I have a new group of girls in youth group, the freshman. I am again reminded of the awkward time in my life as I seek to find myself and understand the changes within myself and the world around me. I am learning to listen to the Holy Spirit's leading in what and how to minster not only to my small group but also to the other girls as well. God has taught me many lessons on love, ministry, letting go of my desire for control and to focus on the most important things first (which may mean that my floor is not scrubbed every week, haha!) I am learning to sit and listen to God and not always be in a rush and wanting to check off the hundred things on my never ending to-do list!
Work has been really busy as there have been many changes going on there. I am thankful for the job. I am also thankful for the opportunities to learn more about health and nutrition and be challenged in what I do each day. Although the hours are still long and exhausting, starting January they will be split up a bit, so hopefully I will be more energetic with time to "recover" in between the long days!
I am still adjusting to the major life change of being gluten free and all that it requires and entails, which is not easy. I think that this "grieving" period began during or right after my missions trip to South America in July. Coming home with the realization that my desire to "do" missions, particularly overseas seemed to be falling through my fingers. I was seemingly feeling this for a variety of reasons, two in particular. Being gluten free in a third world country is more difficult than I ever thought it would be and I feel that I will never get my medical bills paid off. Baby step forward, giant leap back would be a phrase that feels appropriate for my life.
I say that I am "grieving" over being gluten free not because I want to feel sorry for myself or want others to feel bad for myself. I say it because I am still discovering how it has deeply affected my life and will always affect my life.
The panic that I experienced a few weeks ago after signing up to be a chaperon to a weekend youth event before I remembered what a hard time I had last year finding meals or a place to make a meal(ended up using the trunk of my car as a cooler-good thing that it was freezing out that weekend and that the hotel had a microwave!) I panicked over having to do the same again. I panicked over the fear of the weather not being cold enough to keep my food in the car, or that the hotel situation would not allow for easy access to a microwave(they are often used nonstop during this youth event) or that I would take up to much room in the van/hotel room with my food and cooler. I panicked over being a inconvenience to the group as a whole during meal time. I panicked about others feeling bad or awkward around me as they ate the "normal" food and I was not. I panicked at the thought of eating granola bars and bananas the whole weekend. I panicked about having to somehow coordinate a whole weekend of meals that would be easy, convenient and healthy that could also be quick and only needed a microwave to cook/warm up. For a moment I thought about recanting my commitment of ministering to the teens. Was I up for this food challenge once again? And, I am not even going to begin on my panic over the opportunity to go on a retreat this winter (of which I would love to go to and feel that I need to go on for a time of refreshing and renewal, but again.... the panic and stress of the whole situation)
When I returned from South America I emphatically thought to myself that I did not know if I could ever do the gluten free and ministry/travel thing again. While this thought was emphasized by exhaustion, the underlying feeling was the same as today.
I am exhausted from this whole gluten free thing. I am tired of having to explain it, plan ahead, work around it, miss out on amazing meals cooked with love and care, I am tired of the expense that it requires despite my daily attempts to cut the costs of food expense (there is no way around the cost of eating healthy when one does not have a garden).
The challenge of being gluten free has hit every aspect of my life. Friends, I am attempting to not complain, but simply express my thoughts here. I love food (pretty obvious!) and I LOVE cooking and eating with others. I enjoy eating out, maybe not as much as I used to, but I love the invitation to eat out even more than the food. I am a home-body by nature, I believe, but I have found myself become a recluse lately because of the challenges that I face in social settings. To borrow that term "I just want to be normal", I just want to be normal. But, even as I write this, I know that I am normal. I am the person God created me to be. I have this challenge to used of God. I do not want this thorn to affect my life as much as it has. I am frustrated and disappointed that it does affect my life as it does. Anyone gluten free reading this have any suggestions?
Despite the last several paragraphs of raw openness that is difficult for me to express I am still humbled my the knowledge that there are so many other more life threatening conditions, that people are daily fighting for their lives, that cannot enjoy the taste of food and must rely on machine and tubes to feed them. I am well aware of how blessed I am to be where I am today, that God brought the right doctors(and job!) into my life to give me the answers that I and my parents sought for so many years.I am thankful that despite my discouragement and frustration with my disease, God has opened up doors for me to encourage others with the same frustrations.
I know that as time goes by I will (hopefully) become more confident in traveling, larger events and social situations. In this new round of learning to be gluten free I am branching out and trying new recipes, accepting the difference in taste and texture and finding new foods that are healthy that I probably would not have tried otherwise. I am thankful for the friends and family who have accepted this change in my life, who have been supportive and understanding of this new journey I am on, for those who send me links to resources, recipes or articles of interest, I am encouraged and grateful to those who become my advocate in explaining to others my situation in new social settings(sometimes I do not have the energy or desire to do so myself) and to those who are not offended when I cannot eat what they have lovingly made for everyone. It means so much to me when you slip me a magazine article of recipes or make sure there is even one item on the menu which is "safe" for me. I appreciate when I do go out with you when you ask where I can eat.
Thank you, Lord for the people you have put in my path to encourage me and those that I can encourage. Please give me wisdom in how to navigate this new chapter in my life and how I can still best serve you in this and through this.
Okay, if you are still reading this, you are a marathon blog reader, congrats! I promise that my future posts will be more interesting and not as long (I guess this was a vent session, haha!) :)
Until next time!
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